Dandelion Seeds

You're never to old to wish on dandelion seeds.

A few months ago during a walk with my best friend, we stumbled across a single dandelion.  It was the beginning to my journey with dandelion seeds.  For as long as I could remember, every birthday candle, penny tossed into a wishing well, and every dandelion seed I blew were spent asking God for the same thing. (which I can't obviously say, cause that's against the rules of wishes) But this time, I finally chose to ask for something different. It kind of went like this, "I want, Lord, what you want."


I had always been a pretty big dreamer, specifically a day dreamer with huge aspirations!  I wanted to write books and music. I wanted to inspire the younger generations and change the world.  I'm not exactly sure when I gave up on dreaming, but I do remember a point in life when I considered myself dumb for dreaming.   I don't think it was a coincidence that it was around the same time I was tied down to my race against time.  It wasn't until I could finally break off those chains that I felt it was okay to dream again.   When my womens' Bible study prayed for me last year, one of their prophetic words for me was that God was going to give me dreams again, dreams I had since birth and new ones He had yet to grow in my heart.  And that's what He's been doing for me.

I really like how Stasi Eldredge said it, "When you let God's love overwhelm your fears, He replaces them with desires and dreams."  (Becoming Myself)  As I read her books, "Becoming Myself" and "Captivating" I realized that our dreams are not dumb, they are what makes us unique. They are our God-given desires for our lives.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

I found myself a few weeks later I was with my friend again talking.  It seemed that life was turning upside down for both of us.  Doors that had seemed to open were shutting on us, and things were not going the way we planned or hoped.  We were about to end our conversation feeling a bit discouraged, when there again was one single dandelion waiting for us to wish on.  We already knew what the next step would have to be.  We may not be sure of where we're headed, but we wanted to have the courage to follow God when He did reveal our path.

And even when everything seems up in the air, don't stop dreaming,
because one day all those wishes will land exactly where God has planned.

A few days later, I went on a nine mile hike up in the canyons with some church friends.  Being out of reception it felt like the perfect place to be still and listen to God speak.  So He sent me dandelions. But not the cute normal fluffy ones.  These ones were huge and silver with spiky seeds.  At first there was one, then another, and another.  I knew exactly what He was telling me. Because I knew that deep inside I was too afraid to ask God for what I really wanted.  It's not because I didn't believe He could do it, but I didn't believe He would do it, because I feel many time undeserving.  But here I was on a nine mile hike with Him surrounded by hundreds, maybe thousands of dandelions.  Too many, I couldn't even possibly have that many wishes.  It was like He was telling me, I don't want to give you just one dandelion, all of these are for you.  You can never ask too much.

And when you think your dreams are too big or too much to ask God for,
He says, dream bigger.

Over and over again, He has brought me to full on tears, just completely overwhelmed with how much He loves me and wants me to dream.

Just this past weekend, I was with my bestfriend again, but this time in Redding visiting Bethel Church.  I was looking forward to a weekend of crazy spiritual encounters and who knows what else God would send my way.  I had a coupon for the bookstore, so there I was, searching every nook and cranny in that place for my gift from Jesus.  Just like my times at Ross, I knew it would be evident when I found the book.  And there were so many.  Books on having faith, interpreting dreams, starting a dance team at your church, etc. etc.  whatever you could think of, they had it. I kept picking up book after book, without any hope.  So in my mind, I said, I'll know I have found my book because it will have a dandelion on it.  I had searched the whole store, disappointed that I was obviously wrong again.  Maybe I wasn't so good at hearing God.  My friend called me over to check out their journal section, pulling out a single journal. This looks like you're type of journal.  I barely glanced over, and suddenly waterfalls poured from my eyes.

There it was.  The book God promised me.  Through unrelenting sobs I quietly squeaked out, "It has a dandelion."  Nothing was too much, nothing was too dumb to ask.  Here I was overcome that God loved me so much as to grant me such a petty petition.  Keep dreaming He told me.


Knowing God, I'm sure I'll continue to have more dandelion experiences, but I thought I'd share the few I encountered today.

When your dreams seem broken, maybe it's because some of them have finally taken flight.

And my favorite so far, the dandelion-covered field waiting right outside our hotel room.

He spoke to me through dandelions seeds, blowing in the wind,

On the gentlest of breezes, in the rose-colored sunsets.

And He whispered in my ear, "Darling, dream again."

Discovering Your Dreams

"Dreams!  He will show you dreams that have yet to be unraveled."

Let me just start by saying, God is absolutely amazing.  I have a thing for dates and numbers, and for whatever reason I like to keep track of them.  February last year, our ladies Bible study prayed over me, many beautiful prophetic words and pictures. Today as I sat down to reread the notes taken from that prayer, I read the date, "February 12, 2015."  Something so simple, but it brought tears to my eyes, because for me, February 12 became the day this year, where I let my anger and fears determine my actions and ruin something God had been working in my life.  It also became the beginning to what has been a wonderful journey of discovering who God made me to be.

During these past two months, I've grown leaps and bounds in my relationship with Christ.  From dancing in the rain, singing for hours on end, and drawing and coloring; I've come to understand so much more what it means to rest in God's embrace.  Every day, I grow a little stronger and gain a little more patience, and every week something new occurs trying its hardest to bring me down.

Monday hit me like a tidal wave. I was enjoying the sunniest most joyful day I've had in months, when discouragement reared it's ugly head, again. It left me shaking and in tears, and with a tremendous craving for vanilla ice cream.  But having listened to Candace Cameron Bure's book "Reshaping It All" over the weekend, I knew food was the wrong choice.  Because food, even friends, are not where we should find our refuge.  So I ran to God.

Literally.

I put on my running shoes, my headphones, and ran. And for the next hour, I cried, I prayed, and then I listened.  And He answered:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:6-7)

 

So despite the pain and discouragement I was feeling, I chose to get on my knees and praise God for all knew to be true about Him. That He is good. He is faithful. And most importantly, that He loves me.

That night, I began a new prayer.  I started by thanking Him, and I asked not only for His peace, but that He would teach me to be content no matter the surrounding circumstances (Phil. 4:11).  I chose to fight back differently.  I realized that my battle was not against the people around me, but against the lies the devil feeds us.  I began coloring and coloring and coloring some more. Like a little kid, I hung the Bible verses I drew on my closet door, colored in pencil, crayola marker, and crayons.  And over the next few days, my whole perspective shifted.  My heart found peace in areas of my life I had been struggling to release or understand.  And there was so much joy in my heart.  Like the doors to all my biggest dreams were being thrown wide open. And requests I believed were too much to ask of God were being offered to me!  

In the audio book "Becoming Myself"  I'm currently listening to, the author Stasi Eldredge mentions that when we allow God's love to overwhelm our fears, He replaces our fears with desire--those intrinsic desires that make us unique.  In quieting my mind this week and focusing my eyes on God's truth. I've come to discover more of these desires and even see them become realities.  

I've always wanted to paint! As a kid, I would spend my weekend mornings watching Bob Ross create beautiful landscapes. I never took a single art class, but God blessed me with the creativity and good enough cursive to make some pretty cool calligraphy, and it turns out I'm a decent painter when I try.  I also loooove dance. Of course, I would love to be more trained and have had years and years of classes as a child, but for me, I dance because God blessed me with dancing feet and a passion for it.  Never in a million years would I realistically think I could ask God for the opportunity to teach dance, and yet, here I was this week spending everyday of spring break in our school's day camp sharing my passion for dance with my students. My heart could not be any more content.  As I step back and let God sit in the driver seat, it allows me to look out the window and enjoy the scenery around me. To see the leaves blowing in the wind, enjoy the flowers blossoming around me, and feel His presence in every moment of my life.

Discovering God is a beautiful thing because He is beautiful.  But it is also beautiful, because in discovering Him, we discover who we are as well.  As I let His peace and love drive away fear, my soul is satisfied and my being is filled with overflowing joy.  My hope is to be so grounded in Christ that one day, I can say Psalms 31:25 describes the type of woman I am.  Leading a fearless life. Living boldly. Laughing without fear of the future, because I know it rests in His hands.  

 

I told my friend just yesterday, and I pray I can continue to believe this statement just as profoundly as I did that night:  "I know God is faithful. So, if I heard Him correctly, I know He will make things work. And if I was wrong and I heard incorrectly, then I know God has something even better in store."

Fight the lies with God's truth and always remember:

He is Good. 

He is Faithful.

And He Loves You.

Oh Lover of My Soul, You Have Filled My Heart with Greater Greater Joy

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."

Matthew 13:44

For the longest time, people had been telling me, just take it to God. Ask Him.  And I wanted to, but in all honesty I didn't know how. How do I know where He wants me to go? How do I know if it's Him or just my mind making things up like before? This year has already been quite an adventure.  From pages and pages of letters to God, silent dances under the stars in my church's empty parking lot, and many many tears.  Life feels like a rollercoaster of ups and downs, many which don't make sense now, and perhaps never will.  Last year, God had to let me wander into deep waters to grasp how much deeper His grace is, and ultimately how much deeper His love is. For most of my life, I've known Jesus as my God.  Last year, He became my Savior, and now my love.  It may seem crazy to talk about the Lord of Lords as my lover, but He is, and we are His bride.   As I let His grace erase my shame and heal my deepest hurts, it's opened the doors to know God in a much more intimate manner.

No one will ever understand our hearts and deepest desires the way God does, after all He made them all.  Since I've entered this chapter with Him, I've seen His provision in so many ways. Whether it's something trivial like a $10 bill the floor right outside the ice cream shop or something big like the refund check in the mail that came in the week my car broke down, He's always watching over me and providing. I see His beauty and guidance in every step. I've had multiple times when I was about to buy something at the store that wasn't quite what I was hoping for and stopped because I heard His silent nudge to wait. Sure enough, not too long later, Jesus would bring me across what I actually wanted. Little reminders, that even my silliest desires are important to Him.  I could write for my whole life and never ever run out of words to describe how amazing being in love with Jesus is.  If you don't know Him this way, let me urge you to open the door to your heart and let Him woo you. 

As a girl, my biggest dream has always been to marry one day, to find someone to love and love me back. Seeing so many of my friends now getting engaged and married makes it so much harder to be patient.  But that's what this year has proven to be about, learning patience.  Not just in relationships, but in every aspect: my dreams, my future, my music.  Patience for me has been one of the hardest things to learn, because it takes time.  As a person, who spent a good portion of my life living in my past and running a race against time, sitting still and letting God be in control is not easy.  At first, I thought patience just meant waiting it out.  I realized pretty quickly it wasn't. Patience isn't just waiting, but releasing the outcomes to Him and trusting God to do what He knows is best.  

The crazy beautiful thing is the closer I draw to God, the more tangible He becomes.  After being a grooms-woman in one of my friend's weddings, I couldn't help but repost everything wedding related on pinterest and listening to any possible love song about waiting or weddings I found on my spotify.  My best friend warned me to be careful with my daydreams, because as much as God wants to give us our desires, we don't want to obsess over it and lose focus.  But the more and more I heard these songs, the more comforted I felt. Because I no longer found myself dreaming about my future husband, but delighting myself in being Christ's bride. It's like every waltz I'd dance was being led by Jesus.  No one else may see Him, but I know He's there, because I can feel his arms around me, and there's so much peace in my soul. What He speaks in my heart resonates so deeply, I just know it's Him.  

Never in my life have I felt so loved and beautiful, as in those silent moments, spinning like a little girl with dreams of being a princess one day to the lyrics, "You are my beloved, and I am yours to keep. Take my heart forever, You have captured me." Now when I'm asked if I've prayed about whatever is going on. I can say with confidence, "yes" and really know that I have. God tends to answer us in three ways: yes, no, and wait.  So when things don't go my way, I can rest assured in what God has revealed to me already and know that He is faithful, and it will all come together as it should, but in His time.  

I can't say it all makes sense now, or that it's even easy.  I still struggle with patience, but the overwhelming peace inside I have when I let Him wrap His arms around me brings much joy despite the fear that comes with seasons of transition.  In being silent and waiting, God's been able to lead me into some beautiful new beginnings.  After twenty-two years, I started attending a different church. I've returned to helping lead worship after a five month break. I sang in our choir today! I'm helping direct my school's spring performance. I've even decided to finally return to school for a Masters degree. And my songwriting inspiration has returned.   So many things, I probably wouldn't have received or done on my own.  But He gives me courage to push past my fears and past hurts and to follow confidently.  

I think the point where it finally clicked for me was one day lying on my bed, when God asked me, "What do you fear most? ...and even if that happens, what do you know to be true?" 

"That You love me, and I am valuable."  

Then wrapping His arms around my broken self, 

He held me and whispered in my ear, 

"Then You're going to be okay."

Have patience and trust in the Lord always.  "Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!"  Luke 1:45

Like Thank-You Letters

 

I struggle understanding why tithing for some people is so hard. God said He would always provide.  So as a child, I'd tithe, and even now when I have procrastinated on my giving and the check has turned out to be enough to afford another month of rent, with a sad wallet and even sadder bank account, I'd do it anyway.  It's a non-negotiable for me. I could adjust anything else on my budget but tithing had to stay.  Now don't get me wrong, as a kid I'd see my friends around me pull out handfuls of change or dollar bills to place into the basket as it tumbled through the pews, I just thought they were crazy and that giving that way was pointless. Shouldn't you actually be aware of how much you're giving God and not just throwing in random numbers?  Isn't tithing supposed to be an act of worship?

I see it as a thank you letter. In this case, the thank you letter my first elementary classroom gave me.  Stepping into the classroom halfway through the school year, my fifth graders were very thankful to have a new teacher willing to take on the job.  I saw them passing notes that first day of class, but decided to look away and pretend I didn't see. Why? Because I noticed they were writing letters. At recess time, my children presented me with 3 hand-written letters welcoming me to their class and thanking me for being there for them.  They had drawings and rhinestones! One even had a Legacy Loot (their classroom money), a scented marker (for grading), and a real $1 bill. 

I never asked for money, or for anything really, but the kids gave me these gifts anyways. 

They did, because they were thankful.

That moment I learned more from my students, than I could probably ever teach them. They showed me what God wants from us.  He's not asking for our money cause He needs it.  God doesn't need our money.  He asks for cheerful givers. Not givers who feel obligated, but givers who are happy to give their money because they're so full of gratitude! The same way my students excitedly presented their letters and precious dollar bill because they were thankful. 

God blesses us with so much!  Our problem is we think that what we are given is ours. We think that every penny we "earn" is ours, and ours alone, without realizing that God was the one who provided that job and continues to provide for us every single day. Our time, talents, finances, bodies, everything is His. When we look at our lives that way, I just wish I could give God back more! That I could give Him everything I earn and live in His love alone.  But life doesn't work that way. We need money to pay bills, have food to eat. Everything revolves around money in our culture.  It's almost impossible to spend time with other people without something costing money: internet, coffee, gas.  Maybe we don't struggle with the "love of money" but I sure LOVE the freedom that comes with having money!

I'll be the first to admit that lot's of times I don't tithe in thankfulness. Many times I tithe in pure selfishness! because God promises to bless us:

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, 

that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” 

says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not 

throw open the floodgates 

of heaven and pour out so much blessing 

that there will not be room enough to store it."

Malachi 3:10

But my goal is to let tithing become an act of worship. Being aware of what I am offering back to Him--learning to give back to God out of gratitude and not just for His blessings.  He will bless us, and He will provide. But our tithes should be like thank-you letters. We don't write thank-you letters because we hope that person will give us more next time, but because we are thankful for what they have done, whether or not it will happen again. 

Coincidence or God?

Throughout life there have been many things I have pondered whether were truly just coincidences or something more.  Like back in college, it never rained until after I arrived at work.  I'd walk to work almost everyday, but never in the rain. Would it be too much to say "that is God"?  Are there things that truly are from God?

Over the past few weeks, since I started attending a new women's Bible study and diving in the Word so many things have been happening.

It started a little into our study of "Blessed Is She" based on Luke 1:45, "Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!"

 

I like to consider myself to be someone with strong faith and courage, like Esther. But I find myself being more of a Thomas--a doubter. One week during our study we wrote lies we sometimes believe onto the back of 3x4 cards, and then the truths on the other side.  My lie was: "God will not follow through on His promises."  It didn't take long for me to forget what I had written and just move one, but I find that lie still lingering.

Every week, we elected a different girl to be prayed for, and despite being new to this group, I was chosen rather quickly.  We would pray for the person and the Bible passage they had chosen as their promise from God for 2015.  Mine was Micah 7:5-7, "Do not trust a neighbor; put no confidence in a friend. Even with her who lies in your embrace be careful of your words... But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me."  I felt so blessed to hear the girls' prayers, words, and pictures God brought to their mind for me.

A week later, I visited my friend's charismatic church.  (Just know, if you ever visit a charismatic church, you WILL hear from God. lol.)  Sometimes I feel skeptical of prophecies, and tongues can make me feel uncomfortable at times, but I also believe in a God of miracles and that nothing is impossible with Him.

Anyways, I missed the whole worship set because of traffic and taking the wrong exit... whoops! And mid-sermon got distracted by a text message from a very good college friend of mine who happened to be in town at that exact moment and wanted to meet up.  I was enjoying the lesson thoroughly but couldn't pass up the opportunity to see a close friend I hadn't seen in over a year. The service had just ended and the prayers were calling up people they believed God was speaking to that night.  I was waiting for a last text to tell me where to meet, when suddenly one of the girls pointed straight into the pews at me.  I had to disconnect myself from my phone and listen to what God wanted to say. Wandering up to the front, I felt afraid and nervous. In the moment, everything was a blur.  There were so many distractions: my phone I left on the pew, the hands on my shoulders and back, the dizzy and light sensation I was feeling, the occasional person praying in tongues.  When I returned to my seat, my phone had a missed call and text. My friend's phone had died.  I had almost missed God's reason for me being there that night. After the service, another girl approached me and gave me another word.  It's hard to explain what exactly were her words and what happened, but it touched my soul and cut through fears I was holding onto tightly.

Growing up in a conservative non-denominational church, the Holy Spirit and supernatural was kind of a subject swept under the rug. Nobody really mentioned it, but there was no denying this and saying it was all made up.  These people did not know me at all and yet spoke into my life about areas that I needed to know that God had not abandoned. The craziest thing was that the words aligned perfectly with what the girls at my Bible study had also prayed and spoke over me. And many of the words overlapped with things God had been telling me individually as well.

I wish hearing from God made things easier.  But it hasn't, it just gives hope. It still is hard to hear when God blesses others and my dreams seem to be rotting away. It fills me with jealousy and anger, things I don't want to feel, like abandonment, like I'm being lied to. Can God? Will God really follow through on His promises? I recalled to my father today everything the pastor spoke during the sermon that Saturday, how we are made strong in our weaknesses, so that God can be exalted, rather than ourselves. I then handed him the old set of house keys my mother had randomly just given to me. They came with a key chain reading, "God keeps his promises." We both quietly chuckled over the coincidence. When I opened up my daily devotion minutes later, 2 Corinthians 12:9a was written at the top, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'."  

Coincidence or God?

Life After College

"Diploma being placed in my hand, am I ready to face the world in which I stand?"

What does come after college?  Grad school? Marriage? Babies? A full time job? A big black gaping hole??

Sometimes I see a cliff overlooking darkness.  Other times I don't know what I see... or if i see anything at all.  I just spent two decades of my life earning this degree and now I'm not sure where I'm headed.  I'm not getting married. Psh, I don't even have a boyfriend. I'm definitely not financially independent. And going back to school wasn't part of my plan.  I wanted to work on my music, record a cd and maybe even become famous! What I got instead was to move back in with my parents, indefinitely, (I love them TONS but I gotta say it's def an adjustment after spending three years on my own at college) and the realization that going to grad school would have probably been a lot less scary than figuring out what to do with my life. As a nineteen year old college graduate, you'd think I'd be well set on my way to having a successful career.

Of course, along with my twentieth birthday came the responsibility of bills and getting a "real job."  After all I was a grown adult now, pros and cons.  I found myself working at several places: as a choreographer for a small youth theatre company, a babysitter at my church, and the ballroom dance instructor at my old high school.  My free time was quickly used up pursuing my passion for dance, and slowly I  stopped writing as consistently, set down my guitar, till eventually almost all my spare time was being spent with our local CSU's competitive ballroom team, which I joined this  semester.

The scariest thing is that I was way more sure of where I was headed before I graduated, and now my entire world has flipped!  God blessed me with so many new friends, the opportunity to take dance again, and be with my family.  It seems the happier I am, the less dependent I am on songwriting.  I don't need to express my sadness in lyrical genius anymore, I can just dance and love everyone around me.  And as scary as the future might be, I know it'll be okay cause I got God and my family here with me.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans for good and not for evil to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Who I was is not who I am today

Hey everyone!  As the time approaches to start my senior year of college, I keep thinking about the future.  I don't know exactly yet my plan for after school, but I honestly have been trying to change and become more and more the person I want to be, to be the best I can be.  It's a lot harder than just saying I'm gonna change.  Cause you need to make the changes a part of you and who you're becoming.  So I started making simple but steady changes for myself.

1.  De-clutter my life and home.  Letting go of things has been difficult but it makes it sooo much more relaxing.  Whenever my room goes crazy it just seems my entire life feels chaotic.  Limiting the stuff I decide to keep is pretty much choosing what to I want to spend my time stressing about. 

2.  Read my Bible everyday.  It's amazing how something so simple can make such a drastic change.  When you read God's word on a daily basis it just helps you refocus your life on what's really important.

3.  Exercise Consistently.  This one is so easy to slack on, especially when you're sore.  But thankfully with pinterest, I've found great workouts and awesome inspiring quotes.  My goal with this one is not specifically to lose weight but to be able to feel better about my physique.  Being fit and strong makes you feel better like 100% of the time.  You don't have to find as many clothes to make you look good, they just do, and it boosts self confidence, cause even if you might not look great, you feel great.  Exercising creates endorphins which make you more energetic and it helps you sleep better at night.

4.  Control Food Portions.  Nothing stinks worse than making the choice to have an extra portion of food and then not being able to enjoy the flavor or the food because you're overstuffed.  Becoming healthier isn't something you can keep putting off till tomorrow or else you'll just never change.  It starts and continues everyday.  For me, rather than cut out all unhealthy foods I just choose which ones I have.  I won't even the doughnut and have a few chips instead, yea I still ate chips but much better than having both.  Think about it this way, unless it's something you REALLY are craving, just don't have it.   Cause once you have a little, you'll want it all, just avoid it completely.  That way you can save tummy space for what you really want and be able to savor every bite.

I've met so many girls who always seem to appear their best all the time.  Honestly, it's something I wouldn't mind.  I mean who wouldn't want to look stunning even while they're working out. lol  It didn't take a long time to realize it's cause they take care of themselves all the time.  They don't have to do anything out of the ordinary to look amazing. If you already are fit practically any outfit will make you look like a beauty queen.  After realizing all these small changes I've started to make part of my everyday life, I came to the conclusion that I even though I definitely don't look my best all the time.  I actually do take a lot of care of myself, and it feels good.  Makes life just a little easier and happier.  Which I know life isn't about, but why not?  And while I'm taking care of my physical life why not take care of other aspects of life?

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”