Monday, March 26, 2012

Hey There Girlfriend!

Yesterday was absolutely amazing.  I got to reunite with my bestie from the dorms.  We only live like half hour drive away from each other, however without either of us having cars, we barely get to hang out.  You never realize how much you miss someone until you see them after a long time.  We seriously talked the entire time. Ultimate girl talk!  Except for the few times she explained how things were going with her boyfriend we didn't talk about guys... just girl talk: nails, clothes, bras, shoes, jewelry, Hunger Games, make-up, soaps, perfume, everything and anything girly that you'd find in a mall.

This girl here despite the fact we rarely see each other is definitely still one of my best friends and hopefully will be for years to come.  She's the one who got me into the Hunger Games (in spring 2011), into blogging, into magazines.... She brought out my girly side.  My sister from another mister.... and mom lol

There are so many special women in my life right now... I doubt I could mention everyone without forgetting someone.  But it's made me realize how vital girlfriends are in our lives.  They just understand us in ways a guy never can and never will be able to.  Whether it comes to our strange obsessions with looking cute or why we get so crabby once a month or how going to the mall is actually healthy for us girls  :)

Plus I don't know if you've ever gotten fitted for your bra size...  interesting stuff.  It's definitely incredible what you find out.  Most of us actually wear the wrong size and wonder why we never get the support we need. 

Well anyways, after six hours of exploring the mall with my girlfriend I realized, that in this past year I've definitely developed a better fashion sense, and one that's more age-appropriate. No more dressing like an elementary student. And it makes me really wanna write fashion posts again.  So what if I'm not an expert? I enjoy it, and I hope you do too! :)  Practice makes perfect, anyways.... right?  And if you're ever bored.... feel free to check out my new tumblr:

I wish this were my closet..... one of those things guys will never get

Sunday, March 25, 2012

So what if I jumped the band wagon?

I honestly don't care what people say about the Hunger Games.  They can say I jumped the band wagon cause I didn't read it till February, but does it really matter?  The series was still AMAZING!   Just cause everyone else read it first doesn't change the storyline.   I definitely recommend it to those of you who still haven't gotten the chance to read it.

The storyline is so much deeper than just a love triangle.  Katniss was a real heroine.  Strong, brave, loving, someone you could definitely look up to.   It's a must-read!

Well anyways the movie came out on Thursday, March 23, 2012. and as a die-hard fan of the books I HAD to go see the movie, I was gonna go today with my girlfriend from the dorms, but lucky for me.... my friends accidentally bought an extra ticket to the midnight premiere!   I don't think I've ever been soooo excited!  I actually started crying tears of joy right before the movie started lol

The movie was soooo good.  I felt like it was a bit rushed, but as with any book turned into a movie, there are minor details that will always be missed.  However it definitely stuck to the book and the actors were perfect. The movie just brought to life everything I couldn't actually imagine.  Reading the book first I felt like also filled in all those extra gaps that couldn't be spoken, life all of the character's thoughts.  and I won't give anything away for those who haven't seen the movie yet.... but Katniss' dress was LEGIT! So...

Let the Hunger Games begin, and may the odds be ever in your favor  ;)

Monday, March 19, 2012

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

If you've never taken group classes such as Zumba or Yoga. I definitely recommend them.  Nothing gets you up and moving like dancing.  Today I've totally been stuck on music from Grease and Mamma Mia.   I love the genre, it's just so upbeat and fun!

So Sara Bareilles' video for "Gonna Get Over You" has got to be my favorite music video!  Her fashion choice is totally awesome.  Very Grease. White sneakers, denim jeans, white-T, leather jacket. LOVE IT!  Plus she looks like she's having so much fun!  Who wouldn't want to just dance and sing down the aisles of a grocery store? This is totally me.

I'll admit I'm one of those crazy people you see randomly dancing down the streets and hallways......  I even did it today.  The question shouldn't be why, rather Why Not?

Dance Like Nobody's Watching, Sing Like Nobody's Listening,  
Live Like Today's All You Got

Sunday, March 18, 2012

and if time ever stood still...

I can assure you, it would happen in that split moment when your heart reaches the maximum adrenaline, the rain beating against your face, fresh air rushing into your lungs, and life's song blasting in your ear.

* * *

Maybe it's the fact that spring break and summer are coming up. Or that it helps me sleep better at night.  Perhaps it's cause for a brief moment life pauses, and winning the race again time seems possible.  Then again, it's probably just because I can.  

But I've started running.  I've never been a runner.  In fact, I've never been able to run before.  Last semester I'd barely last two minutes before I'd be out of breath.  However, this week has been different.  I've really pushed myself to do something new, and I slowly started building up my stamina till yesterday I successfully ran for an entire hour. 

I usually despise the rain, however the other day, my friend and I decided to run outside despite the weather since neither of the treadmills in the workout room were running.  Wow.  Incredible.  It was just the picture I needed to know it's possible to survive the storms in life, in fact, it's possible to thrive despite them.  It's what inspired my song.  God's been teaching me how to see the beauty in trials.  The silver lining in a cloudy day.  Today I actually rushed out flip-flops, shorts, hair undone, no jacket into the hailstorm outside.  Beauty in pain.  So refreshing.  I felt so alive.  Just twirling, feet splashing in icy water, singing out, "and I will dance in the rain."  With a head lifted to heaven, smile shining into the rainy day, arms outstretched, I let the hail beat against my skin. 

Anyways.  Running feels amazing.  Yes, I've been running indoors... but it still feels great.  The endorphins released when working out are sooo addicting!  Lol.  You know, when people say running isn't about what you physically can do but what you put your head to.  They're right. 

Well have a great day, I think I'm gonna go for another run ;)

"Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..." 
(Hebrews 12:1b)

Table Set For Two

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, 
He will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."  
(James 1:12)

There's nothing like spending a rainy day embraced in God's presence.  I may not see Him physically, but He's definitely there, speaking the exact words I need to hear, patiently waiting for me to just listen. 

At first I wasn't sure how exactly to spend a date with Jesus.  After several minutes of just staring at the index of my Bible I decided to read James.  It felt like every verse was written specifically for me. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of faith develops perseverance." (James 1:2-3)  Before I even knew it, I had finished the entire book.  It made enduring today so much easier.  Life didn't feel quite so empty.  Slowly but surely my heart beat a little stronger, a little more passionately, more joyously.  I even started songwriting about life with a genuine happiness.  As trite as it may seem I started writing about learning to dance in the rain.  

A few sneak peaks into my life.  [1]  Chocolate & Piano, my two best friends when I'm sad.  [2] My new songwriting notebook (a gift from my bestie Ashley), it's extra special cause it has regular paper on one side and staff paper on the other side, a cute cover.  [3] My songwriting corner: keyboard, Bible, iPod, all the wonders  [4] The amazing fire in the downstairs lobby [5] and the super comfy sofas there too :)

Rip open the skies,
Let the rains pour, 
Release the rainbow concealed in the storm. 
The waters can beat,
Till I’m on my knees 
But still I will learn how to dance in the storm, 

And I will dance in the rain...

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Random Facts About Me:

  • I live in a hotel.  
  • If you looked at my facebook you would never believe that I can't write happy songs, cause I always seem to find at least one good thing to update my FB on.
  • I graduated Community College at age 16.
  • Piano has become my favorite instrument, but in reality I always wanted to play guitar
  • My dream is to eventually be able to write like Sara Bareilles.
  • People tend to describe me as passionate, joyful, and vibrant!  I don't know how that happens, I feel so bummed and out of it most of the time. lol
  • I love the smell of coffee, but I don't really drink it.... I take 95% whole milk and then a teeny-weeny bit of coffee then a hot cocoa packet (poor man's mocha!)  Yes, I like coffee with my milk ;)
  • I absolutely hate being sprinkled by water... Water guns are Evil!!  I tolerate the rain.... but still.
  • Butterflies have been one of my favorite things in life since childhood.
  • I've always wanted to paint like Bob Ross
  • I was a tom-boy growing up.  climbing trees, playing with (toy)guns, rough-housing, etc.  
  • Romantic comedies are my favorite movies
  • Cookies and cake? Not appealing.  However Ice-Cream.... All day, any day :)
  • I love falling asleep at my piano
  • I don't really know how to dance many styles of music. I just pretend I do and every one believes I do. hehe
  • I love to blog, though I have no idea ever what to really say
  • I like to pretend I'm a fashion expert, even though I grew up in a households with brothers and no sisters haha
  • I tried to pack "light" for this semester and..... I brought more shoes than I brought clothes :-/
  • Being spontaneous is fun!
  • My celebrity crush growing up was Pierce Brosnan. 
  • I talk ALL the time
  • I could never get a tatoo cause I like to switch things up too often.... (e.g. my hair)
  • I'm so good at procrastinating I could probably get a degree in it.
  • When I was a kid I use to daydream all the time. I was so distracted when it came to school... I always thought that it was bad, but now I'm a Creative Writing major. Daydream away! Lol
  • I used to want to be a singer when I was little but I decided it wasn't possible cause I'd have to sing my own songs, and now I songwrite all the time.  dream, here I come! 
  • Why try for music? barely anyone gets anywhere..... barely but not no one. cause someone does!  that means I have a chance :)
  • I live in Rock-land! 
  • I sing along with the radio when I'm at the gym.  No shame! gotta live up life.
  • My big heart and passion have always been my downfall.... I always manage to pour wholeheartedly into the wrong areas.  Is loving on people too much even possible?? Apparently!
  • I've come to realize I'm a lot stronger than I thought, especially these past two years living at college.  It's all about learning how to dance in the rain.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Head Under Water... Literally

Rainy days always seem to have an overly powerful affect on my emotions.  I'm not sure why...  today it hit me really hard. I actually seriously considered throwing on shorts and a tank top and just standing outside in the cold rain. Maybe it's cause my teardrops really wanted to hang out with their cousins the raindrops.  But with the type of wind we get here there was no way I would be able to chill in the rain without getting sick and I didn't really feel like taking a third shower today.  Thus the hot tub and pool were ruled out with that too.  

Chocolate, however, really is an amazing gift from God.  I know I've been working out a ton and trying to develop healthier habits and such but every once in a while we need to be allowed to indulge in these great gifts.  Coffee, gummy warms, chocolate, hot chocolate, piano, girlfriends, Sara Bareilles.  Is there any better way to spend a tearfilled day?  I don't think there really is. 

The other day I found this anonymous letter in my school mailbox.  I honestly had no clue how to react.  Half of me felt extremely touched, the other part was wondering how the heck whoever it was knew what I was thinking, and then slightly angry at whoever would play such a torturous trick on someone really struggling with something so serious.  Then I realized they had been placed in all the mailboxes and it kind of lost its magic but I guess I couldn't be angry at anyone lol.  I'm convinced though that Papa God put it there at that exact moment cause it was what I really needed to hear. 

Today's been difficult, thankfully God always manages to bring just the right people in my life when I need them.  You can never have too many close girlfriends.

Sometimes it's really difficult to stay strong. The problem with pouring everything into a person is you become deeply attached.  Life seems dull and purposeless when they're not involved.  Even though most of my day has been comprised of trying to spoil and care for me, myself, and I; I keep finding myself trying to find an excuse to hangout in the lobby, by the pool, or the workout room, and I know myself well enough to know it's cause I'm looking for him.   I'm not passing by his suite, texting him, or anything like that, but he's just become such a big part of my life it feels empty when he's not around.  Maybe it's cause I really am empty, from pouring too much of myself out for him.

So I really wanna start pouring into my relationship with God but I honestly don't know where to start, I feel like I always start reading my Bible in Esther. heehee.  What girl doesn't love a story with an inspirational heroine?  Plus there's a beauty contest in it! Biblical version of the Bachelor lol. 

Anyways a girl will never be able to develop a healthy relationship with a guy if they don't have a good relationship with their father (that includes God!) so I think it's time I spend some well needed time with Papa God, we'll probably just have a date downstairs where I can just munch on candies, watch the rain, and drink endless amounts of FREE hot chocolate and milk <3   I will probably call my actual daddy later too. I miss him a lot.

May God Bless You and Give You the Strength To Pull Through One Day At A Time,

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalms 147:3

Breathe Again

It's at least two am right now, and I'm awake. Yes, it's midterms week and all of that. But I'm not doing homework or anything productive really. I'm not even hanging out with friends, and yet my body insists on being awake. every. night.  Why??

I'm freakin' tired of not being able to sleep, of crying every night, of my eyes stinging all day long if I don't, of running and working out as an outlet for my constant frustration with myself, of feeling like a rag doll whenever I go dancing not my usual vibrant self, of not being able to just enjoy my passions in life anymore.  Of being a robot following motions, not really living. 

The Truth Is:  I'm tired of pouring my whole heart into people who never pour back into me.  

I feel so empty.  My heart feels like it's barely holding on.

Whenever we're together I just wish it would never end, and when we're apart I miss him. So much! As much as I say we're "just friends" and there will never be more, my heart does not want to let go and stop hoping. 

"He's a good guy.  But not a good guy for you... or to you." Probably one of the wisest things I have heard so far. (thanks Matt!)  Something I had honestly not realized. One of the things I love about my friend is that I always feel so safe and secure when I'm with him. Plus he's seriously like my other half, we share so many of the same passions.  I don't think I've ever met someone before I connect with so well. He really is my best friend.  But a friendship that only takes without ever giving back is never good.  The sad thing is I'm probably demanding too much, asking for what he can never offer.  I don't know how to stop, and I wish I could.  I value our friendship so much, I don't want to have to end it.  I'd almost rather continue torturing myself for those few fleeting moments of happiness than to never have them at all.  I want to be able to be satisfied with just a friendship but like my friend Theresa says, "It's hard to deny what the heart wants."

But pouring, pouring, and pouring. Without ever being refilled.  Leaves a void in you.  And it HURTS like hell.  I'm sure God feels like this.  Loving us, continually, without faltering.  And so many times without anything in return.  Draining Him. 

It's time I start giving back and investing in a relationship where I can always find Love.  Someone who will treat me correctly.  To stop falling to his feet at the very sound or thought of his voice.  To say "no" more often.  Even when it's the one thing in the world I want most.   To start taking care of me.  And no, it's not being selfish, it's learning to stop being co-dependent.  Realizing, we can't fix anyone, and that we're not supposed to.  That as much as he might need love desperately, I do too! 

All I have, All I need
He's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands.
Still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday
I'll breathe again.

(Sara Bareilles - Breathe Again)