Friday, March 16, 2012

Breathe Again

It's at least two am right now, and I'm awake. Yes, it's midterms week and all of that. But I'm not doing homework or anything productive really. I'm not even hanging out with friends, and yet my body insists on being awake. every. night.  Why??

I'm freakin' tired of not being able to sleep, of crying every night, of my eyes stinging all day long if I don't, of running and working out as an outlet for my constant frustration with myself, of feeling like a rag doll whenever I go dancing not my usual vibrant self, of not being able to just enjoy my passions in life anymore.  Of being a robot following motions, not really living. 

The Truth Is:  I'm tired of pouring my whole heart into people who never pour back into me.  

I feel so empty.  My heart feels like it's barely holding on.

Whenever we're together I just wish it would never end, and when we're apart I miss him. So much! As much as I say we're "just friends" and there will never be more, my heart does not want to let go and stop hoping. 

"He's a good guy.  But not a good guy for you... or to you." Probably one of the wisest things I have heard so far. (thanks Matt!)  Something I had honestly not realized. One of the things I love about my friend is that I always feel so safe and secure when I'm with him. Plus he's seriously like my other half, we share so many of the same passions.  I don't think I've ever met someone before I connect with so well. He really is my best friend.  But a friendship that only takes without ever giving back is never good.  The sad thing is I'm probably demanding too much, asking for what he can never offer.  I don't know how to stop, and I wish I could.  I value our friendship so much, I don't want to have to end it.  I'd almost rather continue torturing myself for those few fleeting moments of happiness than to never have them at all.  I want to be able to be satisfied with just a friendship but like my friend Theresa says, "It's hard to deny what the heart wants."

But pouring, pouring, and pouring. Without ever being refilled.  Leaves a void in you.  And it HURTS like hell.  I'm sure God feels like this.  Loving us, continually, without faltering.  And so many times without anything in return.  Draining Him. 

It's time I start giving back and investing in a relationship where I can always find Love.  Someone who will treat me correctly.  To stop falling to his feet at the very sound or thought of his voice.  To say "no" more often.  Even when it's the one thing in the world I want most.   To start taking care of me.  And no, it's not being selfish, it's learning to stop being co-dependent.  Realizing, we can't fix anyone, and that we're not supposed to.  That as much as he might need love desperately, I do too! 

All I have, All I need
He's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands.
Still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday
I'll breathe again.

(Sara Bareilles - Breathe Again)

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