Oh Lover of My Soul, You Have Filled My Heart with Greater Greater Joy

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."

Matthew 13:44

For the longest time, people had been telling me, just take it to God. Ask Him.  And I wanted to, but in all honesty I didn't know how. How do I know where He wants me to go? How do I know if it's Him or just my mind making things up like before? This year has already been quite an adventure.  From pages and pages of letters to God, silent dances under the stars in my church's empty parking lot, and many many tears.  Life feels like a rollercoaster of ups and downs, many which don't make sense now, and perhaps never will.  Last year, God had to let me wander into deep waters to grasp how much deeper His grace is, and ultimately how much deeper His love is. For most of my life, I've known Jesus as my God.  Last year, He became my Savior, and now my love.  It may seem crazy to talk about the Lord of Lords as my lover, but He is, and we are His bride.   As I let His grace erase my shame and heal my deepest hurts, it's opened the doors to know God in a much more intimate manner.

No one will ever understand our hearts and deepest desires the way God does, after all He made them all.  Since I've entered this chapter with Him, I've seen His provision in so many ways. Whether it's something trivial like a $10 bill the floor right outside the ice cream shop or something big like the refund check in the mail that came in the week my car broke down, He's always watching over me and providing. I see His beauty and guidance in every step. I've had multiple times when I was about to buy something at the store that wasn't quite what I was hoping for and stopped because I heard His silent nudge to wait. Sure enough, not too long later, Jesus would bring me across what I actually wanted. Little reminders, that even my silliest desires are important to Him.  I could write for my whole life and never ever run out of words to describe how amazing being in love with Jesus is.  If you don't know Him this way, let me urge you to open the door to your heart and let Him woo you. 

As a girl, my biggest dream has always been to marry one day, to find someone to love and love me back. Seeing so many of my friends now getting engaged and married makes it so much harder to be patient.  But that's what this year has proven to be about, learning patience.  Not just in relationships, but in every aspect: my dreams, my future, my music.  Patience for me has been one of the hardest things to learn, because it takes time.  As a person, who spent a good portion of my life living in my past and running a race against time, sitting still and letting God be in control is not easy.  At first, I thought patience just meant waiting it out.  I realized pretty quickly it wasn't. Patience isn't just waiting, but releasing the outcomes to Him and trusting God to do what He knows is best.  

The crazy beautiful thing is the closer I draw to God, the more tangible He becomes.  After being a grooms-woman in one of my friend's weddings, I couldn't help but repost everything wedding related on pinterest and listening to any possible love song about waiting or weddings I found on my spotify.  My best friend warned me to be careful with my daydreams, because as much as God wants to give us our desires, we don't want to obsess over it and lose focus.  But the more and more I heard these songs, the more comforted I felt. Because I no longer found myself dreaming about my future husband, but delighting myself in being Christ's bride. It's like every waltz I'd dance was being led by Jesus.  No one else may see Him, but I know He's there, because I can feel his arms around me, and there's so much peace in my soul. What He speaks in my heart resonates so deeply, I just know it's Him.  

Never in my life have I felt so loved and beautiful, as in those silent moments, spinning like a little girl with dreams of being a princess one day to the lyrics, "You are my beloved, and I am yours to keep. Take my heart forever, You have captured me." Now when I'm asked if I've prayed about whatever is going on. I can say with confidence, "yes" and really know that I have. God tends to answer us in three ways: yes, no, and wait.  So when things don't go my way, I can rest assured in what God has revealed to me already and know that He is faithful, and it will all come together as it should, but in His time.  

I can't say it all makes sense now, or that it's even easy.  I still struggle with patience, but the overwhelming peace inside I have when I let Him wrap His arms around me brings much joy despite the fear that comes with seasons of transition.  In being silent and waiting, God's been able to lead me into some beautiful new beginnings.  After twenty-two years, I started attending a different church. I've returned to helping lead worship after a five month break. I sang in our choir today! I'm helping direct my school's spring performance. I've even decided to finally return to school for a Masters degree. And my songwriting inspiration has returned.   So many things, I probably wouldn't have received or done on my own.  But He gives me courage to push past my fears and past hurts and to follow confidently.  

I think the point where it finally clicked for me was one day lying on my bed, when God asked me, "What do you fear most? ...and even if that happens, what do you know to be true?" 

"That You love me, and I am valuable."  

Then wrapping His arms around my broken self, 

He held me and whispered in my ear, 

"Then You're going to be okay."

Have patience and trust in the Lord always.  "Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!"  Luke 1:45

Like Thank-You Letters

 

I struggle understanding why tithing for some people is so hard. God said He would always provide.  So as a child, I'd tithe, and even now when I have procrastinated on my giving and the check has turned out to be enough to afford another month of rent, with a sad wallet and even sadder bank account, I'd do it anyway.  It's a non-negotiable for me. I could adjust anything else on my budget but tithing had to stay.  Now don't get me wrong, as a kid I'd see my friends around me pull out handfuls of change or dollar bills to place into the basket as it tumbled through the pews, I just thought they were crazy and that giving that way was pointless. Shouldn't you actually be aware of how much you're giving God and not just throwing in random numbers?  Isn't tithing supposed to be an act of worship?

I see it as a thank you letter. In this case, the thank you letter my first elementary classroom gave me.  Stepping into the classroom halfway through the school year, my fifth graders were very thankful to have a new teacher willing to take on the job.  I saw them passing notes that first day of class, but decided to look away and pretend I didn't see. Why? Because I noticed they were writing letters. At recess time, my children presented me with 3 hand-written letters welcoming me to their class and thanking me for being there for them.  They had drawings and rhinestones! One even had a Legacy Loot (their classroom money), a scented marker (for grading), and a real $1 bill. 

I never asked for money, or for anything really, but the kids gave me these gifts anyways. 

They did, because they were thankful.

That moment I learned more from my students, than I could probably ever teach them. They showed me what God wants from us.  He's not asking for our money cause He needs it.  God doesn't need our money.  He asks for cheerful givers. Not givers who feel obligated, but givers who are happy to give their money because they're so full of gratitude! The same way my students excitedly presented their letters and precious dollar bill because they were thankful. 

God blesses us with so much!  Our problem is we think that what we are given is ours. We think that every penny we "earn" is ours, and ours alone, without realizing that God was the one who provided that job and continues to provide for us every single day. Our time, talents, finances, bodies, everything is His. When we look at our lives that way, I just wish I could give God back more! That I could give Him everything I earn and live in His love alone.  But life doesn't work that way. We need money to pay bills, have food to eat. Everything revolves around money in our culture.  It's almost impossible to spend time with other people without something costing money: internet, coffee, gas.  Maybe we don't struggle with the "love of money" but I sure LOVE the freedom that comes with having money!

I'll be the first to admit that lot's of times I don't tithe in thankfulness. Many times I tithe in pure selfishness! because God promises to bless us:

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, 

that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” 

says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not 

throw open the floodgates 

of heaven and pour out so much blessing 

that there will not be room enough to store it."

Malachi 3:10

But my goal is to let tithing become an act of worship. Being aware of what I am offering back to Him--learning to give back to God out of gratitude and not just for His blessings.  He will bless us, and He will provide. But our tithes should be like thank-you letters. We don't write thank-you letters because we hope that person will give us more next time, but because we are thankful for what they have done, whether or not it will happen again. 

Coincidence or God?

Throughout life there have been many things I have pondered whether were truly just coincidences or something more.  Like back in college, it never rained until after I arrived at work.  I'd walk to work almost everyday, but never in the rain. Would it be too much to say "that is God"?  Are there things that truly are from God?

Over the past few weeks, since I started attending a new women's Bible study and diving in the Word so many things have been happening.

It started a little into our study of "Blessed Is She" based on Luke 1:45, "Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!"

 

I like to consider myself to be someone with strong faith and courage, like Esther. But I find myself being more of a Thomas--a doubter. One week during our study we wrote lies we sometimes believe onto the back of 3x4 cards, and then the truths on the other side.  My lie was: "God will not follow through on His promises."  It didn't take long for me to forget what I had written and just move one, but I find that lie still lingering.

Every week, we elected a different girl to be prayed for, and despite being new to this group, I was chosen rather quickly.  We would pray for the person and the Bible passage they had chosen as their promise from God for 2015.  Mine was Micah 7:5-7, "Do not trust a neighbor; put no confidence in a friend. Even with her who lies in your embrace be careful of your words... But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me."  I felt so blessed to hear the girls' prayers, words, and pictures God brought to their mind for me.

A week later, I visited my friend's charismatic church.  (Just know, if you ever visit a charismatic church, you WILL hear from God. lol.)  Sometimes I feel skeptical of prophecies, and tongues can make me feel uncomfortable at times, but I also believe in a God of miracles and that nothing is impossible with Him.

Anyways, I missed the whole worship set because of traffic and taking the wrong exit... whoops! And mid-sermon got distracted by a text message from a very good college friend of mine who happened to be in town at that exact moment and wanted to meet up.  I was enjoying the lesson thoroughly but couldn't pass up the opportunity to see a close friend I hadn't seen in over a year. The service had just ended and the prayers were calling up people they believed God was speaking to that night.  I was waiting for a last text to tell me where to meet, when suddenly one of the girls pointed straight into the pews at me.  I had to disconnect myself from my phone and listen to what God wanted to say. Wandering up to the front, I felt afraid and nervous. In the moment, everything was a blur.  There were so many distractions: my phone I left on the pew, the hands on my shoulders and back, the dizzy and light sensation I was feeling, the occasional person praying in tongues.  When I returned to my seat, my phone had a missed call and text. My friend's phone had died.  I had almost missed God's reason for me being there that night. After the service, another girl approached me and gave me another word.  It's hard to explain what exactly were her words and what happened, but it touched my soul and cut through fears I was holding onto tightly.

Growing up in a conservative non-denominational church, the Holy Spirit and supernatural was kind of a subject swept under the rug. Nobody really mentioned it, but there was no denying this and saying it was all made up.  These people did not know me at all and yet spoke into my life about areas that I needed to know that God had not abandoned. The craziest thing was that the words aligned perfectly with what the girls at my Bible study had also prayed and spoke over me. And many of the words overlapped with things God had been telling me individually as well.

I wish hearing from God made things easier.  But it hasn't, it just gives hope. It still is hard to hear when God blesses others and my dreams seem to be rotting away. It fills me with jealousy and anger, things I don't want to feel, like abandonment, like I'm being lied to. Can God? Will God really follow through on His promises? I recalled to my father today everything the pastor spoke during the sermon that Saturday, how we are made strong in our weaknesses, so that God can be exalted, rather than ourselves. I then handed him the old set of house keys my mother had randomly just given to me. They came with a key chain reading, "God keeps his promises." We both quietly chuckled over the coincidence. When I opened up my daily devotion minutes later, 2 Corinthians 12:9a was written at the top, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'."  

Coincidence or God?

Life After College

"Diploma being placed in my hand, am I ready to face the world in which I stand?"

What does come after college?  Grad school? Marriage? Babies? A full time job? A big black gaping hole??

Sometimes I see a cliff overlooking darkness.  Other times I don't know what I see... or if i see anything at all.  I just spent two decades of my life earning this degree and now I'm not sure where I'm headed.  I'm not getting married. Psh, I don't even have a boyfriend. I'm definitely not financially independent. And going back to school wasn't part of my plan.  I wanted to work on my music, record a cd and maybe even become famous! What I got instead was to move back in with my parents, indefinitely, (I love them TONS but I gotta say it's def an adjustment after spending three years on my own at college) and the realization that going to grad school would have probably been a lot less scary than figuring out what to do with my life. As a nineteen year old college graduate, you'd think I'd be well set on my way to having a successful career.

Of course, along with my twentieth birthday came the responsibility of bills and getting a "real job."  After all I was a grown adult now, pros and cons.  I found myself working at several places: as a choreographer for a small youth theatre company, a babysitter at my church, and the ballroom dance instructor at my old high school.  My free time was quickly used up pursuing my passion for dance, and slowly I  stopped writing as consistently, set down my guitar, till eventually almost all my spare time was being spent with our local CSU's competitive ballroom team, which I joined this  semester.

The scariest thing is that I was way more sure of where I was headed before I graduated, and now my entire world has flipped!  God blessed me with so many new friends, the opportunity to take dance again, and be with my family.  It seems the happier I am, the less dependent I am on songwriting.  I don't need to express my sadness in lyrical genius anymore, I can just dance and love everyone around me.  And as scary as the future might be, I know it'll be okay cause I got God and my family here with me.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans for good and not for evil to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Who I was is not who I am today

Hey everyone!  As the time approaches to start my senior year of college, I keep thinking about the future.  I don't know exactly yet my plan for after school, but I honestly have been trying to change and become more and more the person I want to be, to be the best I can be.  It's a lot harder than just saying I'm gonna change.  Cause you need to make the changes a part of you and who you're becoming.  So I started making simple but steady changes for myself.

1.  De-clutter my life and home.  Letting go of things has been difficult but it makes it sooo much more relaxing.  Whenever my room goes crazy it just seems my entire life feels chaotic.  Limiting the stuff I decide to keep is pretty much choosing what to I want to spend my time stressing about. 

2.  Read my Bible everyday.  It's amazing how something so simple can make such a drastic change.  When you read God's word on a daily basis it just helps you refocus your life on what's really important.

3.  Exercise Consistently.  This one is so easy to slack on, especially when you're sore.  But thankfully with pinterest, I've found great workouts and awesome inspiring quotes.  My goal with this one is not specifically to lose weight but to be able to feel better about my physique.  Being fit and strong makes you feel better like 100% of the time.  You don't have to find as many clothes to make you look good, they just do, and it boosts self confidence, cause even if you might not look great, you feel great.  Exercising creates endorphins which make you more energetic and it helps you sleep better at night.

4.  Control Food Portions.  Nothing stinks worse than making the choice to have an extra portion of food and then not being able to enjoy the flavor or the food because you're overstuffed.  Becoming healthier isn't something you can keep putting off till tomorrow or else you'll just never change.  It starts and continues everyday.  For me, rather than cut out all unhealthy foods I just choose which ones I have.  I won't even the doughnut and have a few chips instead, yea I still ate chips but much better than having both.  Think about it this way, unless it's something you REALLY are craving, just don't have it.   Cause once you have a little, you'll want it all, just avoid it completely.  That way you can save tummy space for what you really want and be able to savor every bite.

I've met so many girls who always seem to appear their best all the time.  Honestly, it's something I wouldn't mind.  I mean who wouldn't want to look stunning even while they're working out. lol  It didn't take a long time to realize it's cause they take care of themselves all the time.  They don't have to do anything out of the ordinary to look amazing. If you already are fit practically any outfit will make you look like a beauty queen.  After realizing all these small changes I've started to make part of my everyday life, I came to the conclusion that I even though I definitely don't look my best all the time.  I actually do take a lot of care of myself, and it feels good.  Makes life just a little easier and happier.  Which I know life isn't about, but why not?  And while I'm taking care of my physical life why not take care of other aspects of life?

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

DIY - Dresser

So a few Saturdays ago, I started the process of fixing up my "new" dresser.  Thankfully I come from a line of carpenters ;)  My dad's a pro at fixing things and building them.   Before I bought the dresser he made me aware of the fact that the top of this beautiful dresser was not actually wood but particle board, thus trying to re-stain the dresser would be futile. However my plan was to paint it, so all I would need to really do is sand down the bumps and make sure to take off the top layer of gloss so the paint would actually stick.  I'd explain all the details of the process but that would take forever..... so here are just a few pics instead!

BEFORE:

Before - $5 from neighbor

Original dents and stains. You can't really see, but there's some water damage on the back part too, where the particle board is a bit swollen.

THE PROCESS:

Removing the hardware

Even though I couldn't re-stain this, we had to do several rounds of sanding. 1) to get rid of bumps, 2) to take off the top layer of gloss so the paint can stick, 3) to smooth everything down, 4) Repeat #3 until you achieve desired finish :) This included filling in little holes and scratches with spackle and other stuff and more sanding.

Dad fixing drawer glide

Filling in the holes

Painting is a lot of fun!

 
By the end, it looked practically brand new! I was soooo proud of myself!  My dad helped explain me what to do, but most of the work I ended up doing myself, so yeah.... :)
Oh yeah, and it took me less than a week to finish this project!

 

Smile!

Hey Everyone!

Summer's been crazy and for some reason I've been having difficulty uploading pics onto blogspot.  So I finally decided to just write a post without pics.

If you hadn't notice smiles and laughter are a big theme here on my blog. For as depressing a person I feel like I am, I'm surprised people almost always describe me as joyful and passionate.  I even had a friend ask me last semester, "how are you always so happy?  I don't think I've ever seen you not smiling."  haha something I wish I could say is true.... but I definitely know I'm not.  Though I think we really do have a choice when it comes to being joyful.

Cause joy and happiness are two very different things, I may not be happy all the time, but I try to remain joyful and look at life optimistically. 

So I'm gonna share a few of my favorite quotes (there are a ton more on my pinterest). These are a select few I have chosen to really take to heart.

• A smile can brighten the darkest day.
• Between every rock and hard place a crack exists from which hope and opportunity can grow.  ~ Steve Baker
• You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.
• Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. ~ Oscar Wilde  
• When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it may be because they take better care of it there ~ Cecil Selig
• The one who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd, those who walk alone are likely to find themselves in places no one has ever been before. ~ A. Einstein
• Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
• Better to be hated than be loved for what you're not. ~André Gide
• Coincidences are just miracles in where God prefers to remain anonymous.

*  *  *  *  *  *

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in your life.

God Bless!